Have you ever made an important life decision (such as where to work or attend school) based on purely emotional factors, even though you knew it was not the best choice for you? Would you do it again?
Yes, I have.
My decision to leave Sleaford's St George's and to move to Grantham.
Sometimes, I think that it wasn't the best choice at all, but in others... It really given a sense of freedom and more movement in life. I feel alive. I feel like I could achieve something - when I was at St George's I was in this state of suspension. There was no more room to move, no more room to do anything more than survive. I lived day to day and drifted through life.
Yes, that's easy. Yes, that's easier than I have it now.
But I'm alive. I'm awake, and functioning beyond what is normal. I can feel and breathe and taste the sucess and the emotion now. I can have achievements and failures and I can function enjoyably. I can have a boyfriend if I want it, and not have to worry about people who don't like me.
I can't believe it came down to it, though. It suddenly happened - it was like a sudden sideways move; seriously unplanned. I had entertained thoughts of it in the past, but not really for that academic year and then; it happened.
I was sat in English and my English teacher was telling us to get out the work she set the previous day. Twenty five questions, and an essay plus a comparasion piece. I couldn't feel anything, that day. It was just... stuck. And I hadn't done it, hadn't felt any sense of drive or need to do it. So I hadn't. It was just too much in one evening, despite the fact that the lessons were less than twenty four hours apart, plus other teachers were giving us homework as well. And she started on about how she expected a task to be set'n'done and how it was important for it to be done the way she wanted.
She wasn't a very passionate teacher. She just... taught the book. She didn't seem to deliver any sense of vibrancy or drama or even joy. She could have been teaching the meaning of life and you wouldn't know it from her tone of voice and depressive state. There was no drive, no passion or need to be alive really. She did activities but they were dicatated by the book. You could just tell that the work book said, "For Starter Activity, divide learners into pairs and do Card Sorting Game 3.2. (pack provided in Activity folder)". You knew that's what it essentially said and it really didn't mean much to anybody when all was said and done.
Anyway she was getting frustated because only about three people had done the work she set. And she sent all of us out, to go and complete the work and to come back only when it was done. And inside, I could feel it building and buidling and multiplying and creating the feeling of oppression. I could feel how angry I was getting.
I don't think I even signed out, I just left the site. Rebecca was walking beside me, and I was furious. Seeing red furious. Apparently, I was just not really there, I was in my own little world, ranting and raving. Went to my mum's work place and got her to take me home. I can remember that bit, just walked into her office, and said -
"I'd like to go home now, please.".
Went home and that day started making phone calls to other places. Didn't care about anything else - just wanted out of there. And I did - got a call the next week for an interview to Grantham and hey ho, here I am.
In the end, I just slammed the door on that part of my life, and turned around to face the future. Regardless of what it could hold.
And I'd do it again, in a heartbeat.