281 ♣ 5 References to Suicide

In less than five minutes, I have to go and meet my tutor Alex about the last week I had. Excellent, I have to go and explain what went through my head when I didn't phone in from school and what the hell I was thinking when I thought about eating the medicine cabinet, jumping off a bridge into oncoming traffic and just generally heading for the the Big Easy in the Sky. I also have to explain why I did what I did and for whom.


Wonder if I can start by explain that no, I wasn't suicidal. I was just thinking of sticking one up to the big man at the top, and spending a very long period of time in a very hot and sulphur-y place, according to the Catholic Church.

You know... Perfectly rational and normal me...

Argh, fuck it.

I'll see you later. If, of course, I don't see a broken window and decide that actually, yes, my blood does look dashing on the ground. All eight pints of it, making the floor rather slippery.


Writer's Block: News development

What's the first major news event that you remember hearing about as a child? Where did you learn about it? How did it impact your world view?

September 11th, 2001.

I can remember coming home from school  and seeing it on the news. The sight of people jumping off of a building, thousands of stories up and choosing, from a choice of burning alive and leaping to their deaths, choosing to die by meeting with the ground - thirty seconds of freefall to hit the ground at ninety miles an hour... The next day, my family brought newspapers, and I can remember reading them, poring over pictures and stories of the single most defining moment in the world in my life.

It still makes me cry now.

I'm not an American. I don't know what it must have been like, the fear and the horror of watching symbols of the American dream come down. I don't know what it must have been like to be there, panic rife and not knowing if it was going to be a Hiroshima disaster.  I cannot imagine it must be like to have lost family in that disaster zone, and never being able to get closure. I cannot begin to concieve how angry and emotional it must have felt, knowing someone willfully and delibrately stepped onto a aeroplane and then flew it into a building full of innocents. I cannot begin to fathom how people though that it was the right thing to do - taking the lives of innocent victims because it's 'in the name of God/Allah.'

I cannot even come close to imagining what it was like to be there.

But I can honestly say, that day?

It shook my belief in humanity.

278 ♣ My To Do List for Tonight -

Sort Music File
DeviantArt Pictures
Sort all folders on LaCie
Download Spotify
Number all Journal Entries
Retag all journal entries
Post on c_s
Comment on c_s
Comment on b_s
Post on i_am_thankful, 5_gratitudes, wtf_sexism, sixwordstories, 100_words, freewriters, poetssociety and four other communities.
Remove all photos from the camera
File emails
Send emails to Dannii & Leanne,
Email Arylett
Email Rebecca
Email Elizabeth
Email Juliette
Write a Journal Entry
Ten Memes
Twenty writers blocks
Put all prompts onto grid square
Set the tape for the Simpsons, NCIS, Criminal Minds, CSI, CSI: NY, CSI: MIAMI and Lie to Me
Watch three CSIs and the Simpsons,
Finish Equus coursework
Finish the Kiterunner

List all books to be returned
Pack bag for tomorrow
Empty bag of rubbish
Check online for pre--requested books
Do a schedule for Wedesday.
Make a shopping list
Make a list of what's in the cupboard, fridge and freezer
Go Shopping
EMA form
How much to save per week.

All music by

Shania Twain
Emilie Autumn
Alanis Morrisette
Corrine Bailey Rae
Wicked - The Play
Linkin Park
Nelly Futado
Morning Musume
Eurovision Song Contest Finalists
Sonarta Artica
Joe McElderry
XFactor Arists
Classical Composers such as Beethoven, Mozart, Salieri
Teagan and Sara
Bugsy Malone
The Corrs
All Other Under the Tag Gracias por La Musica


A Survey Definitely Worth Taking! (Excellent Spelling and Grammar)!
Created by xxblaqkelectricxx and taken 125 times on Bzoink
So, have a name?: Yes, I do. Ri, if you must know.
Awesome, nice to meet you. By the way, do you text?: Pleasure to meet you too. Occasionally.
Oh, really? Well, what was your last incoming and outgoing call?: Yes, really. Incoming was my grandmother, outgoing...probably my mother.
How many people do you text a day? How many messages do you use?: Honestly? None.
I bet you have unlimited, right?: Nope. Pay as you go.
Do you always have your cellphone on you?: Pfft. No. I get into such trouble for it.
Have you ever bribed someone into doing your chores?: Once or twice.
Have you ever took all the blame to protect someone?: Once or twice. It was a long time ago.
Out of curiousity...was it something serious?: Eh... Quite.
Do you consider 'escaping' an art?: Oh yes. Houdini was an artist.
If I told you to write one sentence on a sheet of paper what would it say?: I should be doing my socio timeline at the moment.
Have you met all of your relatives?: No.
Or are there some relatives that you haven't met before?: ...What part of NO is too difficult to understand. Yes, there are relatives I haven't met before.
What would you do if you had a 16 year old that wanted to get married?: Tell them they were an idiot and that if they loved the person, they would wait.
Would you say yes or no?: ...No... Are you even listening to me?
Have you learned a new word today? If so, what is it?: Yes, it was 'Thanatos' the death/agression instinct.
Have you used chatspeak on an English paper? (ex. ppl, sp?, lol): Only sp? for spelling when marking work, and occasionally expl. for explain this.
Do you feel like you are about to lose a wonderful friendship?: Sometimes. Not all the time. It's getting less as days go on.
Are you a drama queen?: Meh, I say nay, they say yes.
Are you aware that Google is classified as a verb?: Well, duh. "I'll Google it." It's a verb.
Does crying get you out of trouble or reduce your punishment?: Often. Not so much as I get older.
Are you currently grounded? If so, why?: No. I'm cool on that front.
Who was the last person you told you never wanted to see again?: Didn't.
If you were an angel what kind would you be? (ex. dark angel; light angel): Pfft. Probably a guardian angel who was on probation for slacking.
If someone asks you what a word means on IM what do you do?: Either tell them what it means, or look it up and c/p the definition.
Oh, really? Do you cheat by using a dictionary site?: ...Yes. Can't you read?
If someone gives you a link to something do you usually ignore it?: Sometimes. Depends on how well I know them.
Are you worried about someone/something at this very moment?: Yes.
How worried are you?: Very.
Do you name all your stuffed animals or no?: Not really. They tend to change with time.
Would you say your room is empty, somewhat empty, or full of stuff?: Full of stuff, but very little of it means something.
Can you easily shrug things off like it never happened?: I appear to. Inside? WHOLE 'NOTHER STORY.
If you were working on a case, would your personal feelings get in the way?: I'd let them in, but not in the way.
Someone says they love you and you don't love them back. What do you do?: Depends who they were. Relatives, I'd fake it like I always do, romantically... I have no idea.
If you were put in some dreadful point in history would you stick it out?: I'm living in a dreadful point in history, what do you propose I do now then? Suicide's not an option, and I'm awaiting Dec 21st 2012 with not very baited breath. I live in a world where terrorism is rife, where the war in the middle isn't a war but a peace keeping operation, where my government steals my money and where my pension scheme will have me working from beyond the grave and my best friend lives half way around the other side of the globe. People are afraid of people based on religion and skin tone, the economy is in the shitter again, the employment market is on the way down, university fees are being uncapped, science can't decide between global warming and global cooling, summers are blazing hot and causing mass forest fires, winters are bringing snow again, after some twenty years and killing our elderly, we're killing ourselves without thought for the future, I can't throw away anything without signing fifty forms about it, I'm expected to marry and have a child and still have a career, social life, nice house, pay skyrocketing bills and still raise healthy, well adjusted children. Mental health systems are crap, drug deals are killing the poor population, I am looking at a fossil fuel deprivied future when there is no coal, oil or natural gas and my generation will be left to clear up the mess. My government is being overtaken by idiots and the Tories might get in next year. Say again, a dreadful point in history and sticking it out? That's what I'm doing.
Are you in a really tight financial situation right now?: Yes.
Are you soon getting your own place if you haven't already?: Couple of years.
What do you see when you close your eyes?: Reddish oranges lights and coloured shapes. It's like being on acid for a few seconds.
Is there a person/thing that haunts your dreams? Seriously.: Yes. Seriously.
Have you ever gotten paint on your face?: Yes. Many times.
Ever painted your room or some other room?: Yes.
If so, what colors were you working with?: Blues, pinks, cotton shades, Oklahoma gold.
Do you try to impress your teacher(s)?: Of course. I'm an overachieving self centered bitch with a taste of pride. What do you expect?
Do you have dry skin? (If so, try udderbalm. It'll work, guaranteed).: Been there, tried that. Vaseline's own intense range. The New Miracle Cure/Fountain of Youth. I no longer look thirty five.
How would you feel if you saw someone dying and you couldn't help them?: Depends who it was. I might laugh and point and say, "Good luck with that." or I might cry. Or I might avert my eyes and pretend I can't see/hear them.
Everyone has a secret. Does your family have their own secret?: Oh yeah.
Looks aren't everything. Would you agree with that?: They're not everything but they are important.
Have you found someone attractive and they weren't smart at all?: Oh yeah.
Have you ever done a project having to do with magnetism?: When I was younger.
Have you ever participated in a science fair?: No. I'm British. Not American.
What would you do if you literally lost everything?: Rebuild, bigger and better than before.
Last time you got lectured on something?: This morning.
Have you used lots of big words just to make yourself sound smart?: Oh yeah. Two syllables is for BABIES!
If so, did you even know what the words meant and how to use them properly?: Usually, if not completely, then a general idea.
Is your stomach a bottomless pit?: So I'm told.
Have you ever been to any caves?: Several.
If so, which ones?: Cheddar Gorge, some in the Peak District, some in the Lake District, some others.
Are you big on giftshops when you go places?: Not especially.
Do you get fed up with people who only talk about themselves?: I do but I'm a complete hypocrite, so yeah...
Are you one of those kind of people that talk about just themselves?: ...HYPOCRITE. I AM ONE.
Have you ever said a lot to someone and they weren't even listening?: Oh yeah. Plenty of times.
If so, did you bother to repeat yourself?: Yeah. Usually condensing four minutes of monologue into two lines.
Did/Do you like/love Veggie Tales?: I think I know what that is. Never seen it.
Do you like 'the pirates who don't do anything'? (They're my favorite ^_^): ... I like Johnny Depp, and Orlando Bloom as Pirates.
Do you think before you speak?: Sometimes.
Have you ever licked your finger and then used it on your shoe(s)?: Yeah, only when I had to look smart and forgot about my shoes.
Why do we celebrate birthdays if it is a day closer to dying?: Because it's a day closer to dying? Heh, because it's a day further away from birth and creation? Because we celebrating the turning hands of time more than we celebrate anything else? Because tomorrow might be our last, so why live in fear of it? You work it out.
Or is it celebrating another year of living?: Maybe that year's achievements and resolving not to make the same mistakes.
Perhaps both?: Of course, there's always the third option.
Do you know someone who takes things very literally?: Yes.
Are most of your friends shy or outgoing?: Mix of both.
Do you act different at school than you do at home?: Oh yeah.
Do you appear as something that you're not?: Yeah.
Everyone has their good and bad side. Agree?: Oh yes.
Are you on most peoples good side or bad side?: ... It varies?
Can you sing and write at the same time?: Depends what you want me to write. And sing.
If you can, does what you're writing make sense?: ...See above.
You're shopping and knock something off of a shelf. Do you pick it up?: Now, I would. Elf and Safety and all that. A few months ago, I wouldn't.
Or do you leave it?: A few months ago, I wouldn't have bothered.
When you are planning something is weather always/never an obstacle?: Depends what I'm doing, and how dedicated I am to it.
Has anyone ever come online that you haven't talked to in forever?: Yes. Frequently.
It's all fun and games until you have to get off, right?: Yes. Then it dissolves into tears.
What is your native language?: English and Fanfictionese. Should be Irish Gaelic, but I never bothered to learn.
How many languages do you know?: Pfft. Know? English, French, Spanish, and bits of swear words in German, Gaelic and Army/Navy. The older generations can teach us something.
How did you learn to speak other languages?: School mostly, or just paying attention to my grandparents having a slanging match. You'd be surprised at how often they swore at each other and thought that me and my brother wouldn't understand.
Has someone ever invited you somewhere and then they just left you?: Yeah.
Was it because they were meeting other friends?: I have no idea.
If you could visit any historical monument tomorrow, which would you pick?: I'd like to visit the Grand Canyon.
Are you an indecisive person?: Not especially.
Do you have a fear of growing old?: I don't fear growing old. I fear growing incapable.
Do you wish you could stay young forever?: Somedays I do. Other days, I realise that being a teenager really really sucks.
If you had to stay one age forever, what age would it be?: Maybe twenty six?
Why did you pick that age?: Because it's old enough to be adult, and not old enough to be generally moany groany and responsible for kids and deprived of everything middle and old age grant you in this day and ag.e
Sorry to say that this survey is over. =[: Hmm... I was just getting into this...
You've been totally Bzoink*d!
Take This Survey | Search Surveys | Create a Survey
no, donna tardis, TIMELORD, doctor who

Aye Aye Aye....

So, right now, life is a cross between crappy and okay. More like... crakay.

Anyway, in the next few weeks, I have to - change over my bank account, go for my asthma clinic, get two different sets of injections - HPV and all the other assorted ones that seem to come with the whole 'Getting Older' deal. I also need to do my Equus coursework, finish reading The Kite Runner, finish my assessments for all the learning disabilties, do my sociology homework and project, sort my emails, go shopping, go to work, get my NUS card, get my passport, get some new clothes, meet Dannii and Leanne in town, celebrate Arylett's birthday with her, send Arylett her birthday present and assorted items, clear out my bedroom, put my list of things to buy in my Accounting Book, sell some books, clear out my clothes, take a load of stuff to the charity shop, buy some DVDs, arrange a holiday to America, arrange a passport, save money.

All this while of course, existing in this time and space continum. Gotta go.

Don't cha just love going to do stuff?!
Eye, green

273 - To Do List

Sort both Inboxes
Email Lett
Email Rebecca
Email Juliette
Email Arylett
Email Dannii & Leanne
Review ten stories
Write drabble on Transformers - Car Responses
Write Journal Entry
Do five memes
Makes notes on Equus
Do twenty writer's blocks
Charge mp3
Check whether the library has - One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest / A Clockwork Orange / Zigger Zagger / The French Lieutenant's Woman /  Five Finger Exercise / The Royal Hunt of the Sun / Black Comedy / The Battle of Shrivings / Amadeus / Whom Do I Have The Honour of Addressing? / Animal Farm / Nineteen Eighty-Four
Make a List of songs to Download
Type up the Sladin X Drabbles
Post/Comment on fifteen communities
Print off Bus timetables and class timetable (amend timetable to Friday's Lesson being at two and the different buses)
Check whether or not the train is running on Saturday. 
See Mary Peeling
Find out names of books from the library.
no, donna tardis, TIMELORD, doctor who

Writer's Block: Time sink

When you're bored at work, home, or school, do you have any guilty habits to pass the time, like reading up on celebrity gossip, non-creative gaming, scanning classifieds/personals, or watching bad TV re-runs?

Hmm... My guilty secret is, aside from Livejournal, a single guilty secret of mine is that I always read the gossip magazines at work. It's either that or the daily mail, and sometimes, when the news is that depressing, I just have to get the magazines out and boggle t the latest escapes of Jordan or just some random celebrities dieting habits.

It's not good for the brain but who cares...